How to work towards a better sex life
Whether you’ve been with someone a long time or are just hooking up, it’s good to be able to talk about sex. At some point, we all want to try new things or get a little bored with the same routine. So start the conversation. Even small changes can result in huge pleasures!
First think about what you like about your partner. Are they great kissers? Are they natural talents when it comes to oral sex? Begin by emphasising what they do well before making a suggestion to take things to the next level. For example:
‘I really like it when you kiss me. Maybe you can also try some of that action on my neck?’
Take your time. Don’t fire all your ideas or complaints at your partner at once. Feed them little by little. That way you can try them out together and see which ones work best for both of you. Plus you never know what new and exciting frontiers the two of you may discover in the process.
When it comes to being more adventurous, take it step-by-step. You could suggest tickling your partner with a feather, and then if you both enjoy that, maybe suggest a blindfold next time. Always check that your partner is happy with what’s going on.
When talking to your partner about changes in the bedroom, think about how you would like your partner to suggest such changes. What would be the best way to speak to you without you feeling hurt or confused?
Suggest areas you could work on together. For example, start a conversation with ‘I was thinking that together we could try…’
Find out if your partner is happy with what you are doing and give them the space to suggest new things. For example:‘What do you enjoy the most when we’re having sex?’'Would you like it if I….’‘Do you have any ideas for things we can do differently?’
Be their guide. You’re partner cannot read minds and so won’t know exactly what turns you on. So help them by really showing them. For example, guide their hands and mouths to those extra special spots. And give them the opportunity to do the same.‘I really like it when you touch me. It would be even better if you did it softer/harder/slower.’
What to do if your partner suggests trying something you don’t like
If your partner wants to talk to you about changing up the routine or doing something new, learn to listen. Laughing at them or passing judgement after they’ve told you an intimate desire or story, will do little to strengthen the relationship. Keep an open mind. Everyone is different, with different experiences, likes and dislikes…
If you definitely don’t want to try their suggestion, explain why you wouldn’t like it and then try to suggest a fun alternative.
‘I really don’t want to have anal sex as it could be painful. But I’d like it if you stroked and caressed me back there!’
In short, the more you and your partner talk about the ins and outs of making love, the more you’ll both enjoy it.
How to introduce talking about having sex with a new partner
It’s great you feel ready and comfortable enough with your new partner to talk about sex. If you want the relationship to head towards the sexual side, start thinking of a good time to bring it up when it’s just the two of you – for example, after dinner or a film. Try not to be dead drunk.
Be light-hearted and positive while reassuring your partner you want to be with them because you love and respect them.
‘ You’re so beautiful/handsome, I can’t wait to make love to you.’
‘As we have such good sexual chemistry. I think we would be great in bed together…’
Then see if they also feel ready to start making love to you, or if they need more time.
Showing your partner how to please you
It’s fine to guide your partner’s hands during sex and show them how you like to be touched. If your partner does the same for you, don’t feel like it’s a criticism of what you’re already doing.
Try showing your partner what you’d like them to do by touching yourself – try not to be shy, it can be really sexy to watch!
If your partner shows you what they’d like you to do, never laugh, as this may upset your partner and stop them from sharing further. Just feel lucky that they trust you enough to show you what they enjoy.
Watch what they do, and try to practice with them. Add the action in next time you make love and ask if it feels good and if you can do anything to make it better.
‘Does this feel good for you? Or would you like me to go faster, softer or harder?’
Many women don’t have orgasms just from intercourse. Your penis feels great, but in most positions it probably won’t be touching her clitoris. That’s her most sensitive spot – it’s like the head of the penis. To have an orgasm, most women need to be stroked on or around the clitoris. Ask her to show you what she likes, so that you can copy it and make her climax.
‘I would love to make you come, can you show me what you like?’
Remember you don’t need penetrative sex to get turned on. Touching, caressing and kissing can be great ways of getting to know one another before committing to making love.
Also: practice makes perfect! So don’t worry if you don’t get it right the first time. Sex is all about trying things together and communicating what works and what doesn’t.